Old Habits Die Hard
Being fashionable and stuff isn’t just…
about what’s on the outside.
No, really, it’s true. It’s also about all that dopey stuff on the inside. No, not your organs. It’s somewhere just above your organs, but below the surface. I don’t know all the medical terms– it’s complicated.
I guess what I mean to say is, it isn’t enough to dress-to-impress. If you’re going to try to attract people, or at least present yourself in a much more… well, presentable light, you have to work on things other than your appearance. Making yourself a better person. Because all that expensive gunk on your face doesn’t mean squat if people can’t stand to talk to you. Or think you’re weird. I’m more of the latter. (At least I hope.)
In case you haven’t picked up on this yet, I’m a giant nerd. (You know, in case the Star Trek-themed perfume from my last entry didn’t tip you off.) I’m not saying so much that I have to stop being a nerd to be fashionable. In fact, if that’s what I was saying, I would just throw in the towel right now.
Looking nice and taking care of yourself doesn’t mean changing yourself at a fundamental level, or trying to be someone you’re not. At least, not if you’re doing it properly. I’m going to be just as much of a geek as I was before all this started– hopefully just one that knows how to apply makeup and wears something in public that she wouldn’t go to bed in.
Anyway, the whole point was things on the outside that COULD stand a little change.
Namely, a lot of things that I do. I’ve always known I’m a little socially awkward, but ever since starting this project, it’s become more painfully obvious as I pay attention. Some of them are things that might make people look twice– some are things that I do purposely to make people not look at all. Since one of the Prime Directives (Star Trek reference!) of this endeavor is to try to improve my self-image as well, that’s just no good!
- I always walk with my head down. I noticed this a lot this evening when I was going to and from the MP. Sure it’s a good defense against the cold, but as anyone would tell you today was incredibly balmy, and I wasn’t even wearing a coat. I walk this way partly to avoid tripping and falling, but partly because it makes it less likely I will catch anyone’s eye.
- I talk out loud to myself while I walk. On the opposite end of the spectrum, I don’t do this on purpose necessarily– I’m a writer, I write scenes in my head. Still, when you’re muttering to yourself, people tend to think you’re a little off, no matter how nicely your eyeliner is applied.
- When people I don’t know talk to me, hold doors open for me, compliment me, etc, I will either A. ignore them nervously, B. say ‘Thanks’ with this self-defacing smile and skirt away, or C. mumble something unintelligible in this mousy, obnoxious voice that I DON’T EVEN RECOGNIZE and bolt, terrified. None of these scream CONFIDENCE. They don’t even whisper it.
- I fix my clothes incessantly, especially in public. I’m sure it’s a fidgety thing, born of a constant self-conscious attitude, but it’s also weird, because I’ll fix my bra straps and… well, y’know. You’re not supposed to do that. I will try to stop.
- I chew gum with my mouth open. Working on it.
- I blow my nose in public. Also trying to move that to the bathroom.
- I bite my nails in public. Well. I don’t bite them per say. I do this other weird thing where I run my tooth under them, because I’m trying to grow them out. Either way, it’s not really something I want to keep doing in view of other people.
- A lot of other things that gradually build up, many of which I’m sort of embarrassed to post publicly. (Yeah, really.)
I’m going to start trying to sensor my unconscious actions as I try to improve my conscious ones. Even now, I’m enjoying a lovely piece of Orbit gum.
And I’m chewing it daintily, with my mouth closed.